Everyone's dream is to be someone who is well loved and appreciated by someone. Everyone hopes that it will happen to them one fine day.
Even i do, its just that i can't.
I'm a loser, giving others advices and cheer them up but didn't do what I told others to do. A loser who only ask and tell others what to do for their own good but didn't put in any effort in own's problem. I just can't. I don't have the strength to do it. I don't have the bravery to face the consequences. I'm afraid of what will happen. Just afraid to do anything. Seeing my friends progressing well just don't make me feel to work on mine. I'm just sitting and staring at the blank air. Wondering and hoping that good things will happen to me. Wishing that things will go back to what it is supposed to be. But I realised for a moment, I wasn't putting myself in reality. I was in my own world. I realised and decided to just give up and not to bother anything for right now. The conflict that happened really really has affected me no matter how i tried to deny the fact that it doesn't. I didn't show it to my friends cause i know it's just a small useless pathetic deal. So i bottled everything up. Thinking that I'm over you and everything, but actually I'm not. The feeling is strong. Too strong that I'm still actually feeling it rn even tho you're treating me like a white wall that is vandalized. Still feeling it.
"Am i supposed to stop this feeling?" It always runs in my mind.
I am actually back to the old me who always stalk you like some crazy stalker. I can't but to do what I did before the conflict. Its sounds pathetic and scary but no I'm still doing it :(
Being the one who isn't pretty and skinny like her is just blehajisnsax. It just pull my courage level straight to zero. She has the package, skinny, tall, pretty, smart. She gets to talk to you but I don't. I really really miss it when we text each other till late night, till you fell asleep waiting for my reply. That moment, the precious moment like a bright shinny diamond at the top of the pole. I treasure it so much. But then now its like the moment that everyone hates it, like the diamond fell off and cracked.
I just need someone who will always be there for me 24/7 so that i can express what I feel every moment. Someone who can tolerate my nonsense, sarcasm ness and my ranting. I just need that someone right now. Maybe i don't look sad in the outside cause i don't want people around me to be worried. I don't cut cause i know its just the stupidest thing to do and that i don't want to make my appearance much more uglier cause i am alr ugly now :(
"Bottling everything up cause you don't have any other choices"